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Modern
men are making the
changes toward becoming
an equal-partner parent.
For those who are new to
the task or still a
work-in-progress, here
are some timely tips.
The
Father's Day Gift You
Give Your Kids
 (ARA)
- A lot has changed
through the years about
the father-child
relationship. Remember
those old TV shows where
Dad would call Junior
into the study for a
man-to-man-talk?
"It was usually
because the kid was in
trouble," laughs Russ
Chandler of Portsmouth,
Virginia. "Back when I
was a kid that's the way
it was," he says. "My
father and I had what I'd
call a good relationship
but we never really
talked about anything of
major significance, not
really."
Things have changed
for this generation of
dads, says Chandler who
now has three teenage
sons of his own. "I know
my boys pretty well. I
definitely know them
better than I was known
as a boy."
Do you wish you knew
your son or daughter
better? You're going to
have to listen, says Dr.
Jim Longhurst, a
psychologist with
national children and
family services charity
Starr Commonwealth. And
it starts with listening
to yourself.
 "Many
times, we as parents rely
so much on lecturing and
telling our children what
they should do,"
Longhurst says. "We
assume we know what
motivated them to do
something and jump right
into the mode of
correcting them and
demanding change."
Longhurst, who works
with troubled teenagers
at Starr's residential
treatment facilities in
Michigan and Ohio,
believes it's a habit we
as adults must learn to
break. "Many of us had
parents who only talked
to us as children in this
manner. They gave us
orders and criticized us,
so as we become adults,
we naturally assume this
way of interacting with
our children --
especially when we think
they're doing something
wrong."
A better direction,
says Longhurst, and one
he's seen work again and
again in the lives of
disenfranchised teens, is
to engage your child in
true dialogue. It's not
as easy as it sounds,
especially for dads who
feel a need to be "the
authority" in the
conversation.
 "We
must work hard at
resisting the urge to
come up with a specific
solution or result, and
instead direct our focus
on understanding how our
kids think, and more
importantly, feel about
something," he says. Need
some pointers? Longhurst
offers these:
* Resist the urge to
change your child. By
listening with the sole
purpose of understanding,
your child will more
likely make changes on
her own. Children don't
resist change; they
resist being changed.
* Expand your capacity
to experience the reality
of your child. Do this by
increasing your "pause
response" and refraining
from interrupting or
formulating a response
before your child has
completed expressing
their thoughts and
feelings.
*
 Ask
more questions for
clarification and offer
reflective statements.
These promote your
child's self exploration
and coming up with their
own ideas about solutions
to problems.
* Your child's
feelings are always
valid. There are no right
or wrong feelings.
* Slow down your
experience of time.
Relax. Enjoy the
opportunity to sit back
and learn from your
child. Don't be in any
hurry.
* Remember that a
shared understanding
between you and your
child can be very
powerful. When you have
made it possible to
listen and learn together
with your child, you have
given your child a most
valuable gift.
Starr
Commonwealth
is a child and family
services organization
with nearly a century of
experience in treating
troubled youth and their
families. For more
information about Starr
Commonwealth programs,
including Montcalm School
for Boys in Michigan or
Montcalm School for Girls
in Ohio, call (800)
837-5591 or visit
Starr
Commonwealth.
Courtesy of ARAcontent |
