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The
Almighty comes to Virginia
 You know you've moved to God's country when the
Almighty descends on you. Not by way of heaven, but by way of
Hollywood. Evan Almighty, sequel to the outrageous comedy Bruce
Almighty is being filmed right here in the Charlottesville area.
The boxes are not even unpacked and the divine is
coming to town - God himself as personified by the completely
personable and believable Morgan Freeman. This time, God wants Evan
to build an ark. Right here in our Blue Ridge Mountains.
I think Freeman is as a good a choice to portray God as
you can get nowadays. If Morgan Freeman says 'Build an ark' in that
eloquent authoritative voice, well then, there you have it.
God might find getting an ark built in these modern
days a mite more difficult than he did in Noah's time. Forget
cubits, now you have to deal with zoning, permits, insurance,
contracts, contractors, sub-contractors, laborers, delays and on and
on. Anyone who has ever lived through a remodel, renovation or
repair will tell you that the whole process can be, well, simply
put, hell.
Then there is modern man, himself. No Noah this time.
Let's call him Cavanaugh (though he bears no resemblance whatsoever
to my dear husband of that name.) Cavanaugh is walking back toward
his house with his morning paper when he hears a voice from on high.
"Cavanaugh."
"Who's that?"
"God."
Cavanaugh looks around. "Okay, where's the hidden
video. I'm being punked, right?"
"Cavanaugh."
"Who's that?"
"God."
"Got any identification, like a license, a picture ID,
credit card, something like that?"
A lightening bolt hits the ground next to Cavanaugh.
"Right. Okay you're God."
"Cavanaugh, build an ark."
"An ark, what's an ark?"
"A big boat."
"Are you nuts? I hate to point this out, God, but the
only water around here is a large creek and a small lake and neither
of them will hold a large boat. You need more water."
"It's coming. Build an ark."
"Okay, God. Just for the record, how big is big?"
"300 cubits."
"A cubit? What's a cubit? Are we talking feet, yards,
meters?"
"You'll know."
"Right. Okay, why an ark?"
"You will fill it with two of every living thing:
animals and plants."
"Well, now God. Could I make a few suggestions?
Mosquitoes and fleas are a real nuisance and will cause nothing but
trouble. You got the poison ivy and kudzu thing just annoying the
crap out of everybody and you can't kill off no mater what you do.
Then the wife has this thing about snakes and spiders so I suggest
leaving them all out."
Thunder rumbles and a second lightening bolt hits the
ground beside Cavanaugh.
"Right, everything goes. So, when do you want to
schedule this project? We'll need to draw up some plans, get the
right permits, etc., get bids from contractors and talk to workers.
The wife has a killer to-do list for me this weekend and I have a
big conference next week, not to mention quarterly reports coming up
but I am pretty sure that I could fit you in the end of next month
unless the company gets that big contract and then it will be the
end of the year before we can even begin. Let me check."
Cavanaugh pulls a PDA from his back pocket, takes out
the stylus and starts searching his calendar file. Threatening black
clouds suddenly fill the sky; thunder rolls from one side of the
horizon to the other and a third lightening bolt strikes the ground
next to Cavanaugh.
"Right. So, we'll just go ahead and get started."
"Tell you what. I haven't had breakfast yet and I just
can't work well on an empty stomach so I'm going to pop inside, get
a little something to eat so I can build up strength to build this
ark. Be right back."
Cavanaugh disappears into the house. He makes coffee,
bacon, eggs, toast, pours himself juice and eats breakfast while he
reads the paper. Then he reads the paper in the bathroom for a bit
before checking email.
After surfing through all the channels on the
television to determine that there is nothing on he wants to watch,
he checks email again, replies to a few, checks voice mail, plays a
game of solitaire, checks email again and surfs through all the
channels before finally wandering out into the afternoon sunshine.
All seems clear and Cavanaugh turns to go back inside.
"Cavanaugh," comes a quiet rumbling voice from above
followed by an immense sigh that blows all the leaves off the trees.
"Right. An ark," says Cavanaugh a bit hesitantly. "What
should I do first?"
"Learn to tread water."
Port
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